REPUBLICANISM SHOWN TO BE GENETIC
Scientists in the current issue of the journal Nurture announced the discovery that affiliation with the Republican Party is genetically determined. This caused uproar among traditionalists who believe it is a chosen lifestyle.
Reports of the gene coding for political conservatism, discovered after a decades-long study of quintuplets in Orange County, CA, have sent shock waves through the medical, political, and golfing communities.
Psychologists and psychoanalysts have long believed that Republicans’ unnatural disregard for the poor and frequently unconstitutional tendencies resulted from dysfunctional family dynamics — a remarkably high percentage of Republicans do have authoritarian domineering fathers and emotionally distant mothers who didn’t teach them how to be kind and gentle.
Biologists, however, have long suspected that conservatism is inherited. “After all,” said one author of the Nurture article, “It’s quite common for a Republican to have a brother or sister who is a Republican.” The finding has been greeted with relief by Parents and Friends of Republicans (PFREP), who sometimes blame themselves for the political views of otherwise lovable children, family, and unindicted co-conspirators.
One mother, a longtime Democrat, wept and clapped her hands in ecstasy on hearing of the findings. “I just knew it was genetic,” she said, seated With her two sons, both avowed Republicans. “My boys would never freely Choose that lifestyle!”
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