Well, this is an avoidance post because the nightmares and daymares still linger too strongly, superimposed over my day...no real way to escape to date, permeates everything, so........
Got a great TV series on DVD and am thrilled to pieces. The show is currently running on Showtime, I don't know what season, but it's called "Weeds". I have no dish, nor any cable extras, so I have to wait until it comes to "regular" TV, or, like this time, decide to purchase w/out preview. I'm glad I did.
Think "Desperate Housewives" in neighborhood scope, mixed with the intelligence of "Tales of the City" and something uniquely it's own series, which makes it a joy to watch. Really "natural" acting, no on etries to har, and it the score...(no pun intended -- I'm talking musical score) is FANTASTIC!!!
Great storyline, great flow, and a smart funny clever omniscient view of people's lives.
Rent or Buy, but please do yourself a favor, and go for it!
PS I have only seen disc one, can't wait for the next one...but I want MORE!
10:51 PM - link -
I will probably not recover from today for a long time if ever. Mom is living directly inside a horror so deep it had Mom acting in a way I never ever saw in any person before. I can't put words to the picture of sound, smell and vision I was exposed to by watching my Mother do the human verson of eating her paw off to escape the trap, this trap is dementia exacerbated by poor care of her physical body while at sedro-woolley, and some awful tossing of medicine at her, seemingly without consideration of Mom or her history.
We left this AM about 8:00 to get to Western State Hospital by 11:00, Mom went by ambulance from Sedro Wolley.
man, I"'m beat...i'll write later
12:01 AM - link -
A short update on my Mom.
My heart is literally breaking for her.
She is back at Sedro-Woolley, and she's been there 14 days as of about one hour from now. She is so afraid, wounded and scared.
She knows that she is not right, noat functioning properly, and she doesn't know why, or who is making this happen to her, and feels that she is abandoned by me, and that those that are there to "help" her are there to hurt her.
I honestly believe that part of this fear is because of how she was being treated at HP. Their hiding drugs in her food, and getting "caught" by Mom, and then their being outwardly upset at her when she would toss it, well, despite a poor memory, she's human, and that was inhumane and disrespectful treatment.
Joyce phoned from SW a bit ago, and in the background I could hear her screaming "Jimmy!" over and over. She was frantic and out of control. When she heard me on the phone, and we spoke some, it was apparent that she was uncomfortable. Between talking with Mom and Joyce, it became apparent that she was in some kind of wheelchair that disturbed her, she felt trapped, but worse, Joyce told me it was a reclining chair, and "dingdingding" - gestalt! She still gets dizzy and disoriented and sort of off-balance when reclined occasionally. So I'm sure that contributed to it.
But, here's the main shit. And it is total shit.
No one is willing to take her. There is one place that is taking her on a probationary period. IF they keep her, then that would be good, as it is north of the Island, hence not ferry bound, and 1.5 hour away each way. It's long for me and Gordy, re: my health, I can't possibly drive it myself, and Gordy ends up devoting the day, and loses a work day chauffeuring me.
But, if they say no, then after a quick stay at a geropysch ward, i.e. back at Sedro-Woolley, or Monroe, she would be in line for a bed at Wester State Hospital, and that is 2.5+ hours away, and I hate the idea of her being in a state facility, and so far away, so far, that it will be almost prohibitive for me to visit often, so she'd be virtually on her own -- and that is so hurtful and unfair.
Jim and I talked today, and, in anticipation of the worse (that's my modus operandi) he is looking to see if there is a place in the Des Moines area so that they could visit her, and there is the bonus of her grandkids and Daughter in Law.
But when she leaves me, it will be the last time I say good bye to her...this is unbearable to think about, but it will be better for Mom than Western Washington.
God /dess I love her so much that it hurts, I miss her, I love her, she's an amazing woman. And, HP definitely exacerbated her situation -- details at aother time.
Mom, please know I love and adore you, you amazingly bright funny and creative woman. Please know some peace and know you are safe, please. If my love could be made into a wish, you'd be happy and know you are loved and be well again.
10:06 PM - link -
I revisited the back room at Careage about 5:05 PM this evening. When I last spoke to Diane there, she requested Sedro-Woolley fax her Mom's records for her to go over.
I left a message with her to let me know if it looks like a match, and if yes, what can I do to secure a place for Mom.
Well, after I looked at Careage, and was reassured it was a pretty nice place after all, the "back room" had their own cafeteria, a "house cat" named Storm, and the empty bed was in the Last unit, and "end unit" near the door outside (one can't come in due to it being locked, but you can keypad out of there OK) and it was at the other end of the TV lounge area, so Mom could hide from the cacaphony is she wanted by virtue of hanging in her room.
I "met" her roommate (read: saw her in passing in the hall) and was told she was pretty quiet, so that would also have been a plus for Mom. She didn't have a TV in the room, and that's good, because although Mom used to require background noise pre-ALZl, since she was with us, well, she lost all interest in audio /video, AND I can go as far as saying it is annoying now. So this would have been goodness.
As we drove home, I was happily babbling to Gordy about how it was so much better than I remembered...and on and on. I was even happy-ish and positive for a change.
BUT -- the message I had waiting for me, from Diane, stated that they just took in a gent that will require the majority of her staff's attention, so it was a big "no" to Mom.
This means I have to look off-island, AND find a new MD (who has no idea of who Mom was and who she is now) and new Pharmacologist off-island for Mom. I have no connections, or networking to help suggest places for me for Mom off-island, to live, to go etc. No idea, totally blind here. This rots on so many levels.
I phoned Jim, and it was so good to just talk to him and hear his support and hug through the phone.
But this is so very very bad all around for Mom and alluvusns....
07:39 PM - link -
I just found this, and love love love it! Please check out "Amazon Fishbowl with Bill Maher"
Likey myself, start with my first episode, linking here:
1: Bill Maher Monologue
2: Kevin Smith Interview
3: Michael Pollan Interview
4: UPS Special Delivery with Ronald Isley
5: Indigo Girls Performance and Interview
[caution, there are commercials of a sort, but it's worth it IMHO]
They have archived shows too.
12:42 AM - link -
I just need to put the feelings to a pattern of words to get it out into the universe. I am feeling so very sad and at a loss as to what the purpose of ... well the reason for .. well just why on earth?!?
Mom was acting poorly yesterday at HP and was ultimately taken to WGH, and ultimately, after examination by the Mental Health Worker from the state, sent, again, to Sedro-Woolley for 72 hours, involuntarily.
I spent about 7-8 hours sitting with Mom, by her bed, yesterday until she was taken by ambulance to Sedro-Woolley.
That time was intense, and so much more than I have had the opportunity or time to since she lived with me.
But this was really taking care of her, and staring at her, and sharing words, and kisses, and smiles and so intimate. I don't mean just helping her to go to the bathroom, or dressing her, I mean intimate in a larger way, that encompasses it, but includes examining every pore, and bruise, and seeing how her skin hangs from her fore-arm with the weight she lost.
Seeing her face practically skeletal while at sleep.
Watching her speak in her sleep, and her feet move, and her hands moving moving, it was more intimate, more close, more incredibly communicating than other times I've been with her.
Waching her eat, and how she explores the tastes of each dish, or the way she no longer is afraid of some food that may hit the tray, food that before would have been "soiled", that she now picks up and ingests.
Holding her hand as she slept.
Her talking and charming the nurses and doctors. Her beneficient smile when she awoke between naps and found my face right next to her, as it morphed into a big smile. Our love murmurs and kisses. Her teasing Gordy, who teased her, who she teased who....
It was an intimacy of a depth that the actions of the day can't explain. The looks. The interaction. The trust she had that she gave me, to care for her, to allow her to eat the food, or sleep and snore so deeply.
It was sort of like having a conversation and having Mom "back" again. It lingers so deeply on a cellular level inside me that when I close my eyes, I think she's sleeping next to me, or she loves me, or she's "Mom".
I am so lost and afraid and grieve and mourn the truth of Mom's current degree of Alzheimer's and her level of health, and her inability to articulate. I so deeply want my Mommy, and, despite all the therapy educating me that I have always wanted my Mommy, and she wasn't there for me the way I needed a Mother to be, that I was there to meet her needs, nonetheless, I Want My Mommy.
I guess I am grateful that there was some sort of osmosis, or exchange of feelings, the reinforcement of the umbilical cord, but it also just hurts so damn much as I know that the future she faces, we face, is not one of successes, but of loss.
I hurt so badly and my heart is breaking into shards; the love is not enough to make her whole or feel well, or protect her. She'll only know my betrayal, my failure to rescue her, each visit that I say good bye and leave her calling my name, protesting my leaving without her, again.
I love her so much, and she only knows what I can't give her -- I can't make it better, or transport us to a different time and place, one when we were all a family unit, and life was to be lived, not feared or endured. One where success was not measured by minutes overcome and passed through without harm (this time).
My Mother is beautiful and funny, and has a twinkle in her eye, and can charm and enchant, even at those times when she's scared and disoriented and no one and no place is familiar or recognizable. She still can work her magical spells, where everyone falls in love with her, yet again.
07:25 PM - link -
"walk this way..."
Igor [prnounced Eye-gore] from "Young Frankenstien" [pronounced Steen] --