|Since today has been another day of my soul withering and my heart breaking, while numbing my feelings with food and eating to gain tons of "free distance" (read: girth) which insulates myself from feeling...I have decided to post a nice photo of Mom and me from today's visit.
Mom was unable to verbalize very much, but nonetheless, she was ever so present -- you can see it in her eyes....god, I miss her so horribly -- I just want to pick up the phone and chat, but that can never be again. I hurt so badly. I love her so much. I want her back, were that I could earn a living again, maybe I could have afforded a RN 24x7. To be able to just walk the stairs and grab a kiss or hug was something I didn't know was so precious and soon to be gone.
I imagine some day I'll mourn the hour drive each way it took to visit her, and how I could see her and occasionally find her "there" and present by looking in her eyes, that "click" of recognition....
Taken after our eating a DQ vanilla soft ice-cream dipped in chocolate (all 3 of us...Gordy, Mom and me) -- it was fun watching Mom navigate it with minimal drippage....
BTW -- Jim (my brother) is coming from Iowa this Saturday for a few days. Not only am I psyched, but Mom remembers he's coming too -- she definitely seems to hang onto memories that are extremely significant for her -- Jim coming is very big -- last time he was here was way too long ago -- it's huge that he'll be here to visit -- I do miss him tons.