I guess it's time to come out of hiding and try to say a few words about what is happening in my life.
I have been loathe to do this, only becuase it is so special and magical and wonderful and all mine..well, more specifically, mine and Gordy's...it's a feeling that is bigger than I dare put to words.
Gordy proposed on June 6th about 8:00PM on Honeymoon Lake.
I was totally taken by surprise...such a wonderful beautiful surprise.
I was busy with a lot of webstuff, trying to tame my computer, do some webwork for Christine, doing some detective work, some spam killing, and creative work for Amoeba Hop a new book coming out soon, so when Gordy phoned from all of 15 houses away to see if I would go for a row with him (pronounced r long-o w, not row like cow ), I hesitated some as I was frazzled and spent. Gordy then said the magic word, "Pleaaase"?...!
I panicked in a mere moment -- OMG, someone's hurt, he's feeling lonely, he wants to go rowing for health reasons, but he won't go alone, he *needs* me to sit with him, to talk with, to be silent with him, to be there for him...so, I said, "Yes -- is it okay if I finish up my work?"...and he said fine.
He picked me up in the van, we launched the boat, without falling into the lake -- it's always a special challenge for me -- and off we went, on a beautiful evening, after our horrid heat wave, into a setting sun, on Honeymoon Lake.
"Are there mosquitos", I asked? "Will we die of Nile Virus?"...this reflects my receptive mood, and my fears that something was very very wrong. It's real easy for me to imagine the world falling apart when life appears to be tossing me, or mine, a curve ball -- sh** -- Gordy said PLEASE surely this can't be good -- what axe is about to fall?
Gordy was moving soooo slowly in the boat, and my adrenaline was kicked into high gear of fight or flight, so I asked if I could take the oars. "Sure," he said, "but I have to ask you something..." ...man, here it comes, that axe...worse yet, he's going into his shirt pocket to grab his inhaler, he's really sick, or he needs "courage" to tell me this awful thing...when like a dream, a magic trick, out comes a white brocade box instead of the grey inhaler...a slight of hand, I go on high alert -- "Will you marry me?" he asks as he opens up the box and presents this amazing work of art to me? Oh my god/dess!!! I can't believe my eyes, my ears, my senses -- surely they are pulling a fast one on me.
Time is both in slow-motion yet speeded up at once. Gordy is very close, yet far down the tunnel at the same time..."Yes!"...and the ring is on my hand, and Gordy explains that Barbara of Shadowfax (and a dear friend & a kindred spirit methinks) actually made this awe-inspired ring -- it has 2 parts; the engagement ring I am wearing now, and on the wedding day, Gordy will place the other piece on my hand, and the two rings merge as one...it is glorious, and I feel the love from Gordy, from Barb, from my heart...I can't breathe -- can I have the inhaler?
We row around the lake for a while longer, I need to get centered somehow. I'm blown away like I never imagined I could be.
I feel so shy, and embarrassed, and happy, and loved and loving, and scared, and delighted, and unreal. I feel my "aura", soul, heart, self, just keep getting bigger and bigger and bigger and brighter and more expansive so that it is at least 3-5 feet undulating love and light and joy and rapture. Surely it must be visible? Surely it must be hurting your eyes?
I still haven't come down completely from that feeling, that high, that soaring. I get shy still when I remember I'm getting married to Gordy! He calls me his fiancee and I giggle and blush. The world has shifted on its axis, the wheel of life has turned -- it really has!!!
That night we went over to my Mom's to tell her. She has been feeling very ill lately, and as we came over so late, with the bottle of sparkling cider that Barb & Ralph gave us. She suddenly noticed we were carrying the bottle, and she stopped talking about her pains and troubles, and asked, "What's that for?". I turn on the overhead light in the kitchen, and show her my ring, and she leaps forward and hugs Gordy and me in a single embrace, and kisses him first, then me, and says she's soooo happy!!! We have a true Gillman sandwich (or would it be a Coale sandwich, one Coale surrounded by two Gillman girls?)
We chat (and I blush) some more. Then I decide to phone Kim up...she was home, unable to work outdoors due to the nasty heat wave we've been having and sounded blue, but then I told her "Gordy and I are getting married"...well, actually I shrieked it...honest...so Kim shrieked back...and we laughed and giggled for many minutes...I guess maybe Gordy then understood that I was really really really overwhelmed and excited to pieces as he listening in to my chatter with Kim!
We then came home and phoned Doris, Gordy's Mom. It has been a tough day for her too, the heat was killer, and she had stayed downstairs in the "community hall" where there was at least a hint of a breeze, then Gordy told her the news (we were on speaker phone) and she laughed in that very special Doris way, and congratulated us, and asked Gordy "What took you so long?"!!! Wow...good point Doris .
We next spoke to Katie, again on the speaker phone. She too had been having a bad day at work, but then Gordy told her, she perked right up, and asked questions, and laughed and smiled right through the phone line. We laughed about me being her evil step-mother, and my need to work on growing the step-mom wart on the ol' shnozz. Then reality hit her -- "You guys can't get married before me!" LOL! What a hoot!
Well, for me, that was enough sharing this day...until...after Gordy had left, I phoned Marilyn, my therapist, and left a message about the latest news. I said we'd talk on Wednesday when we have our appointment, and I tried to explain that I feel like I just want to keep it (the feeling? the news? the treasure?) to myself and sit with it selfishly, alone with Gordy, for a while. I felt very covetous of this feeling. This "here and now". This e-ticket ride that is leaving me breathless and unsure if my feet are touching the ground, and wondering how my heart can be so much larger than the physical body is (trust me, I have a lot of physical body too )...!
No hesitance for Gordy. He immediately started by posting the news on his blog, and showing photos of the ring; calling the TestingTesting House Band; and even letting our new found friends, the wheatheads, at WWR hear the news in chat.
I kept sitting, and being with, and testing my feelings like one does to a sore tooth with their tongue, never quite leaving it alone, poking at it, and trying it on, in multiple ways -- inspecting the newness, testing the boundaries and limits.
Saturday night, I phoned my brother, Jim, in Iowa, and left the message on the machine about Gordy & me. Sunday was his birthday, so I phoned to sing him "happy birthday" (forever off-key) and we talked some about MY news.
I still am keeping this "precious", and "mine", as long as I can. But, oddly enough, I want the whole world to know via osmosis, I want to shout it out on some cosmic consciousness wave, but there is still something inside that makes me want to hang on tight to what is Gordy's and mine.
Have I mentioned that the ring is absolutely amazing? I call it the "one ring"!!! It is two separate parts, I am wearing one part now, with leaves of gold and diamond buds emerging from the circle to pledge my troth...and it will remain this way, in it's organic beauty, perfect as it is in it's own right.
On our wedding day, the two become "One Ring"; yet they are still individual pieces, amazing in their own right (the symbolism is not lost). At first, Gordy wanted me to keep the entire ring, so we could show it off, but I told him to hang onto it, and keep it safe until I "earn" it when we marry. To me he is that half, and I am this one. Together we are so much more. It's brilliant how the gold and diamonds and are the leaves of life and soul intertwined.
Sorry, words fail me.
To bring things up to date, I don't think I ever mentioned that Yoko was at the Vet's on Friday, and was getting treatment after that long and horrible night. I was to phone at 3:00 to make arrangements for a visit, as she'd have to stay there the weekend. After a restless sleep, I awoke about 12ish, and then the phone rang, as my Mother came inside through the garage. Dr. Parent said, I have bad news...I screamed out noooooo...and he told me that Miss Yoko had a heart attack, and even kitty CPR couldn't bring her home again. Things are off-kilter here without her. This is an unbearable piece of life.
But back to "us" -- we've been trying to work out how to expnd the house. Gordy is allergic to cats, and with his asthma, this is a major issue (Zach and Olivia are still here hale and hearty). We're looking for the best solution. I contacted Dan Miranda, the man who built my house, and hope to talk with him about our options, and what would make most sense architecturally and cost-effectively.
The plan is with the modifications we will do to the house, we'll take the opportunity to do a refi, and try to finesse a 15 year mortgage so that we can be assured a home always, come 15 years [when I'm 65!].
I'm keeping my toes and fingers crossed that between Dan and us, there will be an elegant solution.
I also received a message on my machine this AM from Marilyn!!! She said no way would she wait unil Wednesday when she heard my messsage. She was so supportive and funny, and perfectly Marilyn -- and that means more to me than most people can imagine.
We have no date set, no plans about indoors or outside, who or where -- just that we want my nephew, Gregg, if at all possible, to be the one to marry us -- after all, he is a Doctor of Mystic Philosphy, and I can't think of a more perfect person! ;-)
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